


Need to speak

by Blackghost7



Category: NCIS
Genre: First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-19
Updated: 2014-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-26 07:47:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2643902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blackghost7/pseuds/Blackghost7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At work, they can understand each other at a single glance. But when it becomes personal, they find out that some things actually need to be said out loud.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need to speak

It seemed unreal to Tony and so he tightened his hold on the man in his arms just to convince himself that he was really there, that they were both really there. Despite the reassurance, he couldn’t believe that after all these years he finally found himself with the object of his affections plastered against his chest, his arms curled tight around him. Not that this was exactly what he’d been dreaming of, no, his dreams went much further than this, but it was already more than he had ever expected to get. But he shouldn’t think this way, it wasn’t like that. No, the man in his arms was drunk and depressed and damn near unconscious, and Tony had no business imposing his dreams and feelings on this situation as he was doing now. Get it together, DiNozzo, he scolded himself.

The case had been a hard one, but especially for Gibbs. A mother and daughter murdered while the Marine husband was away on deployment had hit too close to home for Gibbs. Tony had known he had to be there for the older man and had tried to follow him home as soon as he could, but Vance had held him up making him report on the case. And when Tony finally got to Gibbs’ house, he was already too late. He found the man sprawled on the floor of his basement, empty bourbon bottle on its side next to his hand, and the man himself unresponsive and reeking of liquor. Tony had had trouble hoisting him up the stairs and instead of tugging him up another flight of stairs to the bedroom, had decided to settle them both on the couch in the living room.

As soon as he had lowered them both onto the couch, Gibbs had pushed him back against the armrest and plastered himself to Tony’s chest, wrapping his arms around the younger man. Stunned at this unusual behavior, Tony sat frozen for a moment before deciding Gibbs was obviously so out of it that he didn’t know what he was doing and wouldn’t remember it in the morning. And having decided that, there really was no reason not to wrap his own arms around the man and hold him close for a while, was there? So that’s what he had done. And now here he was, half an hour later, still holding his boss tight and dreaming that this was something different.

~~~~~

Gibbs knew what he was doing wasn’t fair or honest, but he needed this right now and didn’t know how else to get it without ruining everything. This evening he was being selfish, needed to be, and he would make it up to Tony somehow without the other man finding out what exactly he was making up for. The case had brought home some truths Gibbs found difficult to face, and this was the fallout. He needed this.

It had been a stab to the gut when the realization had hit, and tonight, he just needed Tony, needed to hold him close, needed to be as near to him as he could be. But he couldn’t tell the other man why, he was sure that even though he himself had had this epiphany, his second in command did not feel the same way. Better to let Tony think that his boss was drunk and incapacitated than to reveal a surely unwelcome truth.

Gibbs had known when he learned of the particulars of the case that it would be hard for him, the details so similar to what he himself had gone through. But over the next few days while working the case, he found himself realizing something. While it hurt and brought back bad memories, his thoughts turned more and more towards Tony and Gibbs’ feelings for the other man, finally realizing through this case that life could be over in a second for anyone and that he should have no regrets. That he loved Tony and had wanted him for a long time. That he needed the younger man, needed him in his life and in his heart, that he kept him sane and made him happy. That he wanted so much more. But that wasn’t possible, was it? No, his SFA would always be on his six, but would never feel the same way about Gibbs as Gibbs felt about him.

So here he was, for the first time in their twelve years together, feeding Tony a lie. Well, misdirection. He wasn’t really lying if he didn’t say any untruthful words, was he? That evening, after wrapping up the case, he had powered down his computers and hit the head, ready to go home, knowing that Tony would follow him to check up on him. But when he returned from the head, he had spied Tony being dragged into Vance’s office for a sitrep. Gibbs had waited around for his agent for a while, finally deciding that he would go home and see Tony there when the minutes had strung out into close to an hour. Once home, he went to his basement and out of habit grabbed the ever present bottle of bourbon. Only a few sips left. Well, he shouldn’t really be getting drunk anyway. Taking a sip, he contemplated his realization about Tony and how much he needed the other man; and that the pain of his previous loss, while still there, was dulled to a distant ache under his feelings for Tony, even going through this case. He slumped down on the ground in the certain knowledge that he could never tell the man. And that’s when Tony found him.

Knowing the picture he presented and what Tony would think, he decided to allow himself one selfish evening. Even if just for a few moments, he would give in to his need. When Tony dragged him up from the floor, Gibbs held on to the young man. When Tony muttered under his breath about the smell of alcohol and the state Gibbs had managed to reach in such a short period of time, Gibbs stayed silent. When Tony hauled him up the stairs, Gibbs was uncooperative just holding on to his agent. When Tony lowered them onto the couch, Gibbs gave in to his need. He wrapped himself around his love and just held on, his head on Tony’s chest so he could be reassured by the beating of Tony’s heart. When he felt Tony freeze, Gibbs almost pulled back, game over. But then the other man’s arms wrapped around Gibbs and he could just pretend for a while, as long as Tony would let him.

~~~~~

Tony woke up a few hours later and, still foggy from sleep, realized that someone was using him as a pillow and teddy bear, their head lying on his chest and their arms wrapped tight around him. It felt nice. Cracking one sleepy eye open, he saw short silver strands of hair. Taking in a deep breath, he smelled sawdust and… Gibbs! That was Gibbs lying on top of him! Wow, he must still be dreaming… Well, if he was dreaming, what was to stop him from acting out his fantasy? He raised his head from the armrest and brushed his lips over the silver strands. He let his hands roam up and down Gibbs’ back, caressing him wherever he could. He moved his legs carefully and let his stockinged feet rub up and down the back of his boss’ legs. The movement caused him to shift his hips slightly and he felt himself hard and… rubbing against something equally hard! Wait a minute, this wasn’t a dream! In a flash he remembered the earlier events, Gibbs drunk, collapsing on top of him, and intending to just hold the man for a moment. A moment which seemed to have stretched a little longer than originally anticipated.

But this was nice. He didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to move an inch away from the man who had stolen his heart and become his life. But this was unfair, Gibbs didn’t know what was going on, and even if he had been awake, would still be too drunk to realize what was happening. On the other hand… moving his hips again, Tony felt the hardness he had rubbed up against earlier and inwardly groaned, part pleasure and part frustration. Should he? No, it wasn’t fair. Could he? Probably, Gibbs was obviously still out of it. Would he? That was a tough one. But he really, really wanted to.

~~~~~

Gibbs had woken some time ago, finding himself still encased in Tony’s arms. The deep and even breathing of Tony’s chest he was resting his head on told him that the younger man was peacefully asleep. Gibbs kept himself quiet and unmoving so as to not disturb the man, and allow himself more time enjoying the sensations being in Tony’s arms caused. Let himself feed his need just a little longer.

When he heard and felt the younger man’s breath hitch slightly, Gibbs knew he was waking up and steeled himself for the inevitable fallout. But Tony surprised him. Gibbs felt the muscles of Tony’s chest moving as the man raised his head, then felt lips brush softly across his hair. Tony’s hands started caressing him, and Tony’s legs wrapped around him. Then Gibbs felt it… Tony was hard! And rubbing up against him! That was when Tony stilled and Gibbs could almost hear him thinking. But what was he thinking? Gibbs forced himself to keep his breathing even and waited for Tony’s next move. That was when he heard the quiet but sad muttering.

~~~~~

He wouldn’t do it. He couldn’t let himself do it. “Oh Gibbs,” he muttered regretfully, “if only you weren’t drunk…”

~~~~~

What? Had he heard that correctly? Tony didn’t mind waking up with Gibbs wrapped around him, his only objection was that Gibbs was drunk? But he wasn’t! Crazy maybe, with what he was considering, but not drunk or in any other way impaired. Could he take the chance? Would he?

~~~~~

“I’m not drunk, Tony, I barely had two sips. The bottle was already empty.”  
Tony startled at the quiet words Gibbs muttered against his chest, but managed to remain still and refused to give up his hold on Gibbs, not yet, just a little longer… His heart was racing, Gibbs was awake and had heard him, and… wait a minute! Gibbs wasn’t drunk? What the…?  
“You aren’t drunk? But last night you…”  
“I had only just arrived home, I was waiting for you at the office, but when it took so long I finally decided to wait for you here.”  
“But you were sprawled on the floor with the bourbon bottle empty…”  
“Told you, it was already almost empty.”  
“… and you could barely stand! I had to haul you up the stairs!”  
“I may have exaggerated a little… or a lot.”

~~~~~

This was definitely not was he was expecting. Gibbs had waited for him at the office? Gibbs had only pretended to be drunk? But then why the uncharacteristic behavior? Why had Gibbs grabbed hold of Tony and not let him go the entire evening? What was behind it? What was he missing?  
He would drive himself insane thinking round in circles, some things lighting a spark of hope in him that there was something between them, other things just making him confused. And this was too important to let go or get wrong. He should ask.

“Why?”

~~~~~

Would Tony reach the right conclusion? If so, what would his reaction be? On the one hand, Gibbs was hopeful, after all Tony had held on to him the entire time, had kissed and caressed him. On the other, Tony had been asleep and maybe he hadn’t realized who it was he was holding in his arms when he woke up. That was much more likely, now wasn’t it? After all, wasn’t that what Gibbs had been telling himself all these years, that there was no way Tony would be interested in an old, grey bastard like him? Tony with his beautiful face and body, even more so now he had grown up a bit and filled out, gaining some lines on his face. Tony with his sparkling eyes and quick wit, his humor and charm that turned everybody’s head? What did he have to offer Tony that could compete with all the beautiful ladies he flirted with?

But then again, Gibbs had not heard many tales of hot dates lately, and no ladies had been calling for a while now. Of course, that did not mean that Tony was suddenly batting for the other side. So even if his dating exploits had quietened, that did not mean that he was looking towards guys in that way now. But then, neither had Gibbs. And he had married and dated plenty of women, just like Tony. That was, until Tony made his way into his life, and suddenly Gibbs found himself looking at a guy with love and lust. What was Tony thinking?

Then he heard the softspoken: “Why?”

Could Gibbs be honest now? Would he take the chance?

~~~~~

Tony held his breath waiting for Gibbs’ answer. Would he get one? And then what would it be?

~~~~~

He decided not to move, to keep holding on to Tony while he spoke, to keep himself grounded by the feeling of the younger man beneath him and keep his eyes averted in the dark. Some things were easier said when you didn’t have to face the one you were saying them to.

“I wanted… no, I needed to hold you, even if just for a few moments. Hoped you would let me if you thought I was out of it. Case brought up some painful memories, but something else too. Realized something that I had known for a long time, but it clicked during the case. I will always love my girls, and their loss will always hurt. But this case didn’t hurt as much as I would have expected.”

He swallowed to clear his throat and took a deep breath, preparing himself to take the plunge.

“Because of you.”

~~~~~

Wow, Gibbs was really answering him! While the man had never lied to Tony, he was sometimes sparse with the truth, or simply did not respond. So this was already a surprise. But what he was saying was even more surprising. Gibbs wasn’t all cut up over the case and Tony knew that he was telling the truth about the drinking as well, because no way would Gibbs talk like this when drunk. Tony had collected enough reference material for that over the years. And then the last words Gibbs had said registered in his mind.

Gibbs wasn’t falling apart over the case because of him? Because of Tony? Sure, Tony would always be there for his boss, he considered him a friend and Tony was always there for his friends. He tried his best to keep the man grounded and sane when he noticed him spinning out of control. Or did Gibbs mean something different? Should Tony take a chance here?

“I’ll always be there for you, Boss. Whatever you need. However you need.”

And then Tony moved his head slightly.

~~~~~

It seemed that they were on the same page here, but Gibbs still couldn’t be sure. After all, Tony had called him Boss, not Gibbs or, even better, Jethro. And Gibbs already knew that Tony would always have his six, so that was not a big revelation. Then he felt Tony’s muscles move and, in a repeat of the earlier action, Tony’s lips brush over his hair. Longer this time, more insistent. Could he mean…?

But then, Tony had said he would be there for Gibbs however he needed. Did he mean that he would go along with Gibbs’ desires just out of a sense of duty? Tony had not made it clear what his own feelings were. But if Gibbs were honest, neither had he himself really been clear. Perhaps he should just swallow his pride and risk everything. Things looked like he had more of a chance than he had ever thought possible, but he would never ask something of Tony in their personal relationship that the younger man would feel obliged to go along with merely out of a sense of duty to Gibbs.

Gibbs needed to hear the words from Tony that he wanted this. And to get that, it was now obvious that he would have to be the one to take the chance first.

He swallowed.

~~~~~

Had he been understood? He kissed Gibbs’ head hoping that the older man would look up at him and he would get the chance to taste his lips. And more, if things went the way he hoped. But Gibbs didn’t move. A further kiss to the man’s hair brought no reaction. Had he been mistaken? Then he felt the movement in Gibbs’ throat against his chest as the other man swallowed. A moment later, the head was raised and blue eyes peered into hazel while in a husky voice Gibbs said: “Tony…”

Not willing to wait and lose his chance, Tony quickly leaned in and slid his lips over Gibbs’, enjoying the softness of the lips below his, much softer than he had expected. For a moment Gibbs didn’t respond, but just when Tony was about to freak out that he’d read the situation wrong after all, the other man let out a breathy moan before opening his lips and deepening the kiss.

Tony was euphoric, this was what he had been longing for! Starbursts and fireworks went off behind his closed eyelids, just like in the movies! Their tongues engaged in a duel, a give and take of which mouth to explore, and it just felt fantastic! Too bad he had to breathe…

~~~~~

Dizzy with pleasure – and from a simple kiss! He’d known Tony would be sensational! – Gibbs almost keened at the loss of Tony’s lips when the younger man drew back and he heard him take a deep breath. Oh yeah, breathing… maybe he should do that too. He was feeling a little lightheaded himself.

The shuddering intake of breath somewhat cleared his head and he knew that, no matter how pleasurable the kissing was and how much he wanted to continue, he needed to make sure how Tony felt about this, that he was not just doing this out of obligation to Gibbs.

“Tony, wait…” he said quickly as he saw Tony swooping back down to him to resume the kissing. Instantly the younger man froze, his eyes flying open and looking worriedly into Gibbs’ blue orbs.

~~~~~

Wait? Why wait? It was perfect! It was everything he’d dreamed of and more! Why would Gibbs want him to wait? Had he done something wrong? Had Gibbs not enjoyed it? Flooding with despair that he had come so close to having everything he’d dreamed of, only to have it snatched away at the last moment, he begged: “Please don’t…”

~~~~~

Tony sounded desperate, but desperate for what? Time to end this limbo of confusion and hope, and for once speak about his feelings, it was the only way. Mentally steeling himself, Gibbs let out a deep breath and said: “I love you, Tony. I am in love with you and I want you. But I can understand if you don’t feel the same and don’t want you to feel obliged to me. Just tell me that, and I can put away these feelings and never bother you with them again.” Holding his breath, he waited for the younger man’s answer.

~~~~~

Tony’s heart sang as he heard the words the older man spoke softly but with determination. Except for the part about forgetting about this wonderful thing that they had between them, of course. Tony wasted no time in speaking: “I love you, Jethro, have for a long while. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t in love with you. I want you and need you, always. So please don’t stop…” His words were cut off by Gibbs’ lips devouring his own.

When they finally came up for air again, Gibbs looked up at Tony and smiled at the love and happiness he saw reflected in the younger man’s eyes, those same emotions clearly shining in his own. Pulling his soon to be lover off the couch, Gibbs uttered only one word: “Bed?” With a dazzling smile, Tony replied: “On your six, Jethro.” And after that, no words were spoken for a long, long time.


End file.
